Grief is a Barbed Wire Heart
What grief actually is and why feeling it doesn't mean you'll drown
Last week, I shared with you about my dad’s transition and the valuable lessons I received from him as my father and mentor. (If you missed it, you can find that one here.)
This week, I’m sharing what I’ve learned about grief and how the teachings have made my dad’s transition sacred and much more easeful to navigate.
I was in my old room at my mom’s house a few days ago, doing a savasana, when my eyes fell upon a gift I had given to my mom when I was little: a heart made of barbed wire, with dried flowers woven through it.
I remember being at a craft fair and thinking that my mom would just love this:
She did! (At least I think she did.) She’s kept it for decades, at any rate, and now it hangs in my old room.
As I sat up from the savasana, a phrase flashed through my mind: Grief is a barbed wire heart. I knew that I would be writing about it.
Grief is a kind of love
In my coaching role, I’ve come across many people who are either subconsciously or overtly afraid of feeling grief. They’ve told me that if they really feel the grief, they’re afraid they’ll drown in it, or that it will get even stronger, or that it will last forever.
Although convincing and seemingly logical, none of these ideas are true.
Grief is actually reflective of love. If you’re deeply grieving someone who has passed, it’s an indication of how much love you had (and still have) for them.
When you let yourself feel that immense love, it automatically helps to transmute the grief into wisdom.
Making the connection between grief and love is fairly intuitive once you sit with it. The next part is a little more energetic in nature, so stay with me here. We’re going quantum.
Grief is heavy on purpose
Another aspect of grief is that it’s a heavy emotion. We tend to think that heavy energy is bad or wrong, and that we need to get rid of it in order to heal.
That idea is also backwards.
Our masterful energy system that includes all of us (mind, body, emotions, spirit) knows exactly what it’s doing. When it’s giving heavy, it means that we’re supposed to bring our attention to the 10th chakra, an energy centre that resides two feet below us in the earth. The Egyptians called it the Earth Star. It’s also known as the Christ Consciousness and the Buddha Consciousness. It’s very much about unconditional love.
The 10th chakra holds the reflection of the highest self. It also contains the energy of our destiny. Whenever we experience heavy energy, it’s a call for us to use the mind to focus on the sensations below us in the earth.
Why?
The next version of who you are becoming is waiting to emerge from this chakra. It’s the version of you who has integrated the grief. It’s the version of you who is wiser as a result. It’s the version of you who knows how to connect with a loved one, whether they are in a body or not.
I love to think of the tenth chakra as a treasure chest. The lid is wide open, and it radiates light up from beneath you. All the most actualized versions of you are the treasure in the chest (the treasure is you!), and they are shining up to become part of you, both inside and out.
Grief can be uncomfortable
The thing is, grief can be uncomfortable. It can be big sensations in the body that can feel uncomfortable, intense, or even painful. No wonder the mind wants to hide or suppress.
Despite the discomfort, we want to use the mind to focus on the sensations anyway. That way they get acknowledged and accepted, and that means they can move through (as emotions are designed to do) rather than setting up camp for hours, days, weeks, or even years.
Sometimes people wonder: If you integrate the grief, does it mean that you don’t love the person who passed?
Absolutely not. It’s the exact opposite. When the grief gets integrated, you can then put your energy and attention into connecting with your loved one’s energy. You can focus on love rather than the suffering that accompanies extended grief.
That’s why it seems to me that grief is like a barbed wire heart. If you interact with it by holding on, you’ll get hurt. (Grabbing barbed wire and squeezing = pain.)
But, if you observe the bigger picture - the barbed wire woven into the shape of a heart - it’s actually love. There are even beautiful memories there (symbolized by the dried flowers). Although the flowers are no longer growing in the garden, they remain beautiful - just in a different way. Everything is still there; just not maybe in the way we were used to.
And that’s okay. We’re made of change.
Love Pouring Through
Since my dad’s transition, I’ve connected with him often. I don’t feel like he’s missing. I don’t feel like there’s a hole in my heart. In fact, I feel like his energy has melded with mine and love has been amplified.
The BEST/Spiritual BEST healing sessions I’ve done since our energies coalesced have been next level. The yoga classes I’ve taught have been exceptional (if I do say so myself). I’ve been able to support people from a very whole and fulfilled place.
To me, that’s an indication of an expanded love I’ve become privy to by integrating the grief. The grief isn’t getting in the way of experiencing the love I have for my dad or in receiving his love. I can feel an even bigger love pouring through.
I feel very blessed to know the perspectives I’m sharing with you here. They’ve made a tremendous difference in my life over the last few weeks.
No matter what emotions show up - sadness, regret, disappointment, fear, and of course, grief - I welcome them in and pay attention to what they feel like as sensation. Even when it’s uncomfortable, painful, or prickly, I continue to focus on what they feel like in my body.
I breathe.
I accept.
I receive how it feels.
I love what is in the moment.
And then they pass through. There’s no need for them to linger because they got what they needed - love.
(By the way, I’m not talking about romantic love or something that feels manufactured; rather, I’m talking about the love that naturally occurs when you pay attention.) Attention is the most sincere form of love. If something hurts, I pay attention. And then it melts.
Barbed wire is generally not beautiful. But like grief, when it’s formed into a heart, and love becomes the focus, something that’s painful by nature can beget healing.
And that’s the whole shift, really - from bracing to observing, from squeezing to seeing the shape it’s actually making.
Love is a barbed wire heart.
With integrated love and surprising courage,
Christina
🕺Creator of Courageous Self-Care
🕺Planning one more article about grief/transitions for next week. It’s absolutely gorgeous, and I wanted to share it today, but I didn’t want to make this post too long. I’m really looking forward to sharing it with you!
🕺 Putting ze final touches on an app that I’ve been working on. (Which is just absolutely crazy - who would’ve thought I would be doing that?!? Not me. In a million years.) There will be a beta test going out soon. Stay tuned
Questions? Comments? Please share below. I read them all.